Attack me if you want…

This morning, I woke up feeling defeated, discouraged and a bit depressed. There has been one thing after the next. For starters, yesterday I found out that someone put my son’s lunch box in the boys’ bathroom toilet. Who does that? The devil is a lie!

I know it seems silly but out of all the kids you want to pick on mines? You must have forgot who I was…Oh, don’t judge me by appearances.

I was furious when he tells me this because I just knew it was a prank or worse, a potential bully. I’m very protective over my son, especially since he’s my only one. I am also especially cautious and watchful over potential bully behavior…I’m a teacher so I see it all the time. Kids get very broken when this happens and it leads to unnecessary feelings and contemplation. I know what you’re thinking–no, he is not the only young man of color at the school but I’m pretty sure things would have been handled different if he was of a different….nah, I’m not going there today. Let me digress again.

Of course, I questioned the mess out of him and I’ve already made arrangements to speak to the admin on my lunch break. Girl…you think I’m playin?? One thing that I’m not skilled in is controlling my mouth when I get upset. Lord, help me on today.

Black Boy Joy….

My son isn’t an ordinary kid, in fact, he is amazing, gifted, talented and my son so that in itself is golden. Seriously though, I taught him to be himself and not to conform to what society expects for you to be.

I’m so happy to say that the majority of his friends are Asian, Latino, Black and White…you get it, right? This mentality of having a rainbow of friends more than likely came from his experiences abroad. I boast about that to EVERYONE because it has made such a significant impact on his life. His travels around the world…exposure to different languages, cultures, experiences—I know that the time we spent in both the UAE and Uganda has made him magical… #blackboymagic

The truth is…

I remind him daily that he is developing into a very powerful black man and no matter what mom thinks, I tell him this, “The world has already put labels on you and will try its best to box you into a mentality that is not befitting nor true.”

(*Clears throat*) Ahhh hem…I digress because I can feel the blood pressure rising…

What the heck happened?!?

So, I asked him a series of questions in panic like, “Did you see anyone around the bathroom at the time?” or “Has anyone been teasing you or acting funny?”

Enemy….try me if you want but don’t “&$%” with my son…

Waking up this morning, I have a more leveled head about it. The thought of a bully…an attack…a prank–whatever it is….I declare and decree that no weapon formed shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17).

Although the situation could have been worse, this was a wake up call for both of us. I brought up the conversation about being more observant of your surroundings, cautious about “friends” and the fact that everyone has a hater…no matter how great you think you are…life throws lemons and haters your way just because…life wouldn’t be life without them. I love lemons in my water, by the way. #randomthoughts

I even told him that yes, start using discernment.

“What’s that, mom?”

“Discernment is…well son, let’s just say you gotta trust that gut feeling because it doesn’t lie.” I said with a side eye intact.

“Oh, and don’t think that the world excludes you from the malicious attempts because it happens to the best of us.”

You have to protect your spirit and your peace.

I expect my personal attacks to come….like a questionable health report phone call I received the other day, the distance I feel with the one I love or my finances…Bye Felica!

Attacks remind me that its my time for progress and change and the enemy doesn’t like to see this at all…#spiritual growth.

How do I combat the attacks?

Attack me if you want….but I know better. God has me and the same for you.

Did I intend for this post to be a sermon? Nah…but ya girl needed to speak this word into the universe on today because the enemy will try you if you aren’t careful.

Your season of change, progress, growth and favor is here. So, automatically expect attacks–against your spirit, mind, emotions, body, family, work life, etc. I have been using my morning time to pray, read the word, journal and really search God with my heart.

When I see attacks now, it reminds me that my faith needs to step it up a bit.

It is only a test.

Lesson learned

Don’t get weary in a season of change. When it seems like the attacks start rolling in, you want to question God, faith and trust. Who do you run to? It’s in the season of change when discouragement sets in and you ask yourself, “Is this even worth it?”

For you God-fearing moms, speak to your kids about this. The attacks hit all areas of our lives, especially our closest loved ones.

Here are a few scriptures I read to help me combat the rise of an attack on my life:

The word is full of scriptures regarding attacks. These are just a few that you can meditate on right now as you prepare for whatever is coming your way. I’m believing for a breakthrough, anointed favor and God’s call on your life.

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More than enough…

We as women, especially of color, sometimes have the tendency to compare ourselves to the next because we feel they may have more or less than us and that it could be a threat to our overall progress thus far. Girl! Shut the front door!

True story–I got into this relationship a few years back, prior to moving overseas, I started dating this guy when I was still living in Chicago. I didn’t set any clear boundaries for myself prior to getting involved, a typical mistake I’ve made in several situations. This also meant that I didn’t take the time to really get to know this dude so I found myself in a heap of unnecessary drama. I don’t know if it was truly defined as such, but the relationship was short-lived, primarily because I couldn’t take the disrespect.

Here’s why.

So, this particular guy had a fresh baby. I usually don’t give anyone a chance with a fresh baby but there was something about this dude that totally twisted my mind. See, that was my problem, I was so caught up in fleshly desires that I didn’t even give God a chance to speak to me. I was super hard-headed and God will have his way in situations that are not meant. So, I ended up making compromises, sacrifices and bad judgement calls for him….what was the deal with this dude?

I was really not myself and in hindsight…that was so true because I didn’t love myself to recognize the character flaws and red flags blaring in my face. I wanted what I wanted right then and there. No explanation.

From time to time, The “fresh baby’s” mom ( I can’t stand baby mama…I simply refuse) would always “pop” up unexpectedly. Now get this— I have a kid and I know how it works–co-parenting relationships exist….I get that. This situation, however, was so suspect that it had me really second guessing my decision to be with this guy in the first place. When I found out that the sudden “pop” ups weren’t for co-parenting meet-ups and instead for “let’s see if I can get my man back” hook-ups instead, I had to get the heck out of dodge. Cheaters? Not I.

As my self-esteem diminished and disappointment set in, I continuously asked myself, “Am I not enough?” “Why would he go back to her?” “What did she have that I didn’t?”

Stop! This is too much drama…So…

Then it started. The comparison game. I became more and more insecure about my looks, personality and who I was. I was in a place wrought with insecurity because I didn’t know my worth.

Here we go again…another failed attempt at love. What the hell? I hate to admit this but I sold myself short by compromising my body, mind and soul for this man who gave two shits about me and my worth.

On top of that, I neglected my relationship with God, family, my son, friends and my job at the time.

I was jaded, bitter and angry….a place that I didn’t want to be in. I dare not to be labeled as the chick with the angry black women’s syndrome. I can’t stand that phrase, by the way.

Let me tell you–I had a lot of inner work to do starting with affirming to myself that I am more than enough and that I don’t need to compare myself to the next queen or settle for less than I deserve.

“Don’t be ashamed of your past…it is your teacher and will provide the wisdom that you need for the next season. You can stay in the cycle or choose to get off…”

I realized that I can’t compare myself to another queen. I can’t hate her for something that is beyond my control. His desire to play games and to string me along was his problem, not mine. The only truth was that it was imperative that I leave the situation before it got disgustingly ugly. I knew I deserved more. I knew that my worth was greater than comparing myself or being someone’s optional plan. No, not I.

The truth is…

What is for you is for you. No man nor woman can steal what God has destined for your life. You are enough just the way you are and the only things that need to change is what ever is holding you back from being your best self. I’m so glad that I finally stepped into the truth of who I am.

If your “bae” doesn’t see your value and worth, let them go.  All women are unique in their own right. Comparing yourself to the next is one of the most dangerous forms of self-sabotage. Once you realize who you really  are and what you were made to do, flaws and all, it will all make sense. So, you can finally say so long to dead beat relationships with people who don’t value you. You deserve more.

Strive to be greater than your yesterday.

I pray that you begin to manifest a kind of self-love that won’t allow you to degrade where you are in life but will allow you to see your progress, growth, change and purpose for being here. I pray that supernatural blessings in the form of relationships/marriages manifest for you this year! Remember, you are more than enough.

Affirmations:

  •  I am enough.
  • I am a beautiful work in progress.
  • I’m unapologetically favored!

You are enough!

 

1st BOOK COMING SOON!

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Geesh! Can’t you take a compliment?

There was a time when I couldn’t take a compliment. If someone said I looked nice, I would discredit their compliment. If someone complimented me on an accomplishment, I would discretely cringe because I didn’t believe in my self nor did I think highly of who I was.

I was insecure.

I was broken.

I was wrought with low self-esteem.

I had absolutely no confidence whatsoever.

So, a compliment?! No thanks!

I come from a family where there isn’t lots of complimenting, supporting or encouraging. I have had family members plot against me, talk about me behind my back and secretly wish for me to fail.

So, these feelings of unworthiness all came from a place of never feeling adequate. In the beginning of my self discovery process, healing didn’t occur from those traumatic family episodes nor from the few toxic relationships that I entertained. I didn’t know how to love on myself after all this which eventually caused me to neglect my value factor and worth as a woman, causing me to make lots of wrong decisions, especially with men.

What I’ve learned from that is to not harbor bitterness toward the past hurts but to use them as a catalyst to create change. 

I started to ask myself, why not?

Why can’t I just say thank you?

Why can’t I believe that I’m a beautiful and talented woman?

Why can’t I recognize my worth?

Seeing that there is value in me took lots of self-love and healing, a very hard but very necessary process.

Complimenting the next will encourage you

I can remember when I was so low that complimenting someone else was not easy. I had to get over the hurdle of insecurity, jealousy and bitterness by uplifting the next person, especially sistars of color.

What’s up with that? Why do we (sistars of color) have such a hard time encouraging one another in true authenticity? It’s slowly happening more often than not but it’s definitely time for a shift.

(Fast forward several years and even more bumps along the way)–

My mindset eventually shifted (THANK GOD) and so did my actions. When the compliments rolled in, I happily accepted them. Why?

Because…

I began to recognize that I couldn’t continue to devalue myself based on someone else’s limited perception of who I am AND I needed to see myself as an extraordinary woman with a priceless value.

Compliments, anyone?

I complimented lots today and I’m proud.

Some of the compliments  included:

“Nice pants.”

“Congratulations on the recognition.”

“What a great post.”

“Beautiful necklace.”

“Awesome idea.”

 

You never know how your words can shift someone’s thoughts about self!

What I noticed is this–with every compliment I gave, it not only encouraged them but me as well. You never know how someone may feel in that very moment. The very impact of your words can shift the whole trajectory of their mindset.

Sometimes, we may not feel like saying anything but remember, whatever you put out into the universe will return to you. Remember, your words, although small, can bring about a HUGE shift in someone’s life. They weigh heavy so use them kindly and wisely.

With all this, don’t forget to compliment and encourage yourself, beautiful soul.

By the way, check out a previous blog post of mine on doing a much needed mirror check.

I’m so thankful that now, I can actually take a compliment. Be blessed.

I’m not qualified…

I’m not qualified for this!

You mean to tell me that I have to….?

There wasn’t even a  yes/no/maybe box that I could check off or an option as to whether I even wanted to participate.

“You got this! What’s the problem?” 

“Oh, and you will need to research information about assessments and be ready to present by next Thursday.”

“Are you seriously asking me to…? What do you mean what’s my problem?”

I know she didn’t just ask me to…

“I’m not qualified for this. What about her over there….ask her.”

I don’t even want to begin to know what they are going to think of me. I’m just not qualified for all this!

Besides, I don’t like speaking in front of people so why in the heck would you choose—Why would you choose….me?

“Look, let me continue on with my current flow and get back to sippin on my tea in my comfort zone, okay lady?” Becuase…I’m just not qualified.

_________________________________________________________________________________

This was my head a few days ago.

I was asked to speak in front of 30 or so colleagues for our January staff meeting. Oh, and for those of you who don’t follow me regularly, I’m that 1st grade teacher you always wish you had…let that one sink on in for a minute while I clear my throat.  Ahh emmm.

I digress.

I was still stuck on the words–

“You will be co-presenting…”

The rest of the words after that became a blur. Out of the 30 or so staff members, you couldn’t pick someone else? I wasn’t qualified for this.

I would do anything to NOT get up in front of people. Just sit me in a corner to listen and watch. I’m a shy lady. See, I’m just not that qualified… 

There was no backing out unless I quit my job and hustle to find another. That wasn’t happening…bills are currently wreaking havoc in my life unfortunately…but, I just wasn’t qualified.

Somehow, Someway

I researched. I stayed up staring at the computer screen until 1:37 a.m. while my spirit was filled with nervousness, angst and anxiety over what could potentially become an epic fail. I’m just not qualified for this! Why?

Did you say you weren’t qualified?

Well, 3:49 p.m. Thursday afternoon came and I found myself in front of those 30 or so judgemental co workers. I originally thought I would freeze up, slur my words, get all sweaty and pass out. No joke. I literally passed out about a month ago so ya girl ain’t playin.

This presentation, however, not only forced me to research a strategy that I probably wouldn’t have taken the time to do otherwise but allowed me to truly face my fears.

One thing that I can take away from all this is:

  • I felt good after it was all said and done.
  • It wasn’t so bad after all.
  • I felt confident to do it again.
  • I felt accomplished in the task of actually doing what I said I would do.
  • I felt nervous…but that comes with the territory, I suppose.

What mattered the most for me is…I FACED MY FEAR.

I can remember being asked to speak a few months back in front of a room full of strangers. Girl, I spilled that tea! I told all my little business and it came easy. Why? I figured that I’ll never have to see them folks again. These co-workers….girl…I tell ya is an entirely different dramatic episode.

As black women, we tend to lower our believe systems about ourselves to make others in the room comfortable. Yes, I said it: You have been disqualifying yourself for far too long. Release all those lies…

Did you read the book?

I read the Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes last year and it truly was a life changer for me. If you haven’t read it yet, I highly suggest it, especially if you are like me and afraid of anything that has to do with the infamous words: PUBLIC SPEAKING. Rhimes, who became my virtuous sistar by the end of the book,  literally said YES to all of the opportunities that were presented to her in that year as she watched her life transform into amazingness! Another black woman game changer. Love it!

Will this be your year of Yes?

I finally said Yes!

I finally told my fears that yes, I’m qualified.

I realized after the fact that I was automatically disqualifying myself by thinking I wasn’t worth it. Not only did I allow my fears of public speaking discourage me,  I literally told my self that I wasn’t good enough to speak in front of people whom I felt were more experienced than I.

Get ready for position…

Now ladies, this is the worst form of self-sabotage we can do for ourselves: underestimating the greatness within.

I was being positioned for something that I had prayed for weeks and even months ago but I disqualified myself before the opportunity because I didn’t see my greatness.

However–

I was forced to face my fear, say yes and do it scared. Did I fail? No. Was I qualified? Of course I am!  Never underestimate the power of your greatness. You got this!

Do you keep a prayer journal?

I’ve been keeping a prayer journal since the beginning of the year. I write down things that I’m praying for, my moments of gratitude and the dream details that I do remember. I write these down because believe it or not, we can lose our memory really quick, especially when it comes to what God is doing for us. So, I’ve been asking God to position me to speak in front of people.

Sometimes, God will force you out of your comfort zone because he knows that the purpose on your life is much more powerful than your fears. 

Let’s not disqualify ourselves and miss out on a blessing, an opportunity, favor or even promotion. God has more in store for you beyond your imagination so please sis, don’t disqualify your blessing!!

Your past is your past. You are growing, glowing, evolving and changing. Give yourself permission to do so, not necessarily in that order. 🙂 Just do the damn thang…

The universe needs you to be your best self and to THRIVE!

Just because opportunities haven’t happened like this for you in the past, doesn’t mean that it won’t for you in the NOW! This is your season to shine and to push past whatever it is that’s holding you back.

You ARE qualified to get whatever it is that is designed for your purpose, unapologetically!

This is your season so get ready!

 

 

That nagging feeling…

Something didn’t feel right. I just couldn’t figure it all out…
I tried to overlook this feeling because I thought it was my ugly insecurities roaring again, trying to block me from my blessings. Go away, chile, go away!
But that nagging feeling…it just wouldn’t go away.
It was almost as if it was a blaring red flag, as they like to say, right in my face. Stop!
I saw it waving  but…I pushed that out of my face, too. Lies…I tell ya…all lies! Not today!
I ignored all the basic signs, gave in to the benefit of the doubt. I hid my truth to satisfy. I hid my truth to please. I hid my truth to what I thought was love but…
That feeling….the nagging…it just wouldn’t go away. 
I even covered up for the world to see with my pout painted in my favorite Ruby Red lipstick. I curled my thick locs and kept my body tight.  I had it going on and you couldn’t tell me NOTHIN! I’m snazzy!
There shouldn’t be reasons why my feelings would lie. Sistah Intuition–are you hatin on me again?
Sistah please!
But that nagging feeling…it wouldn’t go away.
I was more than qualified–two degrees, independent, purpose-filled, gifted..and shall I say sexy!
But that nagging feeling…it just wouldn’t go away.
I settled, compromised, fake smiled, ignored my feelings and hoped for the best…
But that nagging feeling…it just wouldn’t go away.
 I wanted to love. I wanted to be loved. I wanted it to work out the way I wanted it to…
Bump that! Naw…this ish has got to work dammit!
But that nagging feeling…it just wouldn’t go away.
But the nagging…the source came from a deep sense of intuition, which always told me the truth in the past but…I didn’t want to hear all that jazz . No!
So go on, Sistah Intuition, go on with all that nonsense foolery!
Fortunately,
She finally caught up with me…Sistah Intuition revealed the ugly truth. Ouch and amen.
Oh, Sistah Intuition, I wish I would’ve listened. Sistah Intuition….please, your truth hurts too much. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I never understood the whole idea of women’s intuition until I fell in love. I never understood what that truly meant until I had experienced the aftermath of NOT listening to my intuition. Intuition, that tiny gut feeling that something is “off” or “not right” has tons of validity to it.

As women, we have a deeper understanding of what is good for us and the latter. I used to blame it on overworked emotions, past romances, broken hearts, etc but those came and left for a reason. They came to teach us and they ended up leaving us because life realized that we deserve sooo much more!

When we don’t realize our amazing strength, our wisdom, our beauty and the overall genius of who we are (truth), we fall for what we think of ourselves in that very moment. We think low…we get low. We think high…well…

However, when God is ready to take you to that next level, Sistah Intuition has to step in. She knows much better than we do in our very weak moments and recognizes our truth and potential.

We know better but we continue to fail at that soooo…

Sistah Intuition sends us gentle reminders that we deserve better and can do better.

It takes a desire to want better for self, life and love. It takes an incredulous amount of self-love to look in the mirror to recognize that yes, Sistah Intuition came to save my mind, body and soul…..and no…I won’t suffer any longer in a lie nor will I continue to run from the inevitable truth!

Dear Sistah Intuition…

I won’t ignore your light and truth. You graced my heart and spirit with your presence once again and for that, I’m forever grateful.

One day…at a time.

Peace be still.

 

in·tu·i·tion
ˌint(y)o͞oˈiSH(ə)n/
noun
noun: intuition
  1. the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.
    “we shall allow our intuition to guide us”
    synonyms: instinct, intuitiveness; More

    sixth sense, clairvoyance, second sight
    “he works according to intuition”
    • a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.
      plural noun: intuitions
      “your insights and intuitions as a native speaker are positively sought”
      synonyms: hunch, feeling (in one’s bones), inkling, (sneaking) suspicion, idea, sense, notion; More