We as women, especially of color, sometimes have the tendency to compare ourselves to the next because we feel they may have more or less than us and that it could be a threat to our overall progress thus far. Girl! Shut the front door!
True story–I got into this relationship a few years back, prior to moving overseas, I started dating this guy when I was still living in Chicago. I didn’t set any clear boundaries for myself prior to getting involved, a typical mistake I’ve made in several situations. This also meant that I didn’t take the time to really get to know this dude so I found myself in a heap of unnecessary drama. I don’t know if it was truly defined as such, but the relationship was short-lived, primarily because I couldn’t take the disrespect.
So, this particular guy had a fresh baby. I usually don’t give anyone a chance with a fresh baby but there was something about this dude that totally twisted my mind. See, that was my problem, I was so caught up in fleshly desires that I didn’t even give God a chance to speak to me. I was super hard-headed and God will have his way in situations that are not meant. So, I ended up making compromises, sacrifices and bad judgement calls for him….what was the deal with this dude?
I was really not myself and in hindsight…that was so true because I didn’t love myself to recognize the character flaws and red flags blaring in my face. I wanted what I wanted right then and there. No explanation.
From time to time, The “fresh baby’s” mom ( I can’t stand baby mama…I simply refuse) would always “pop” up unexpectedly. Now get this— I have a kid and I know how it works–co-parenting relationships exist….I get that. This situation, however, was so suspect that it had me really second guessing my decision to be with this guy in the first place. When I found out that the sudden “pop” ups weren’t for co-parenting meet-ups and instead for “let’s see if I can get my man back” hook-ups instead, I had to get the heck out of dodge. Cheaters? Not I.
As my self-esteem diminished and disappointment set in, I continuously asked myself, “Am I not enough?” “Why would he go back to her?” “What did she have that I didn’t?”
Stop! This is too much drama…So…
Then it started. The comparison game. I became more and more insecure about my looks, personality and who I was. I was in a place wrought with insecurity because I didn’t know my worth.
Here we go again…another failed attempt at love. What the hell? I hate to admit this but I sold myself short by compromising my body, mind and soul for this man who gave two shits about me and my worth.
On top of that, I neglected my relationship with God, family, my son, friends and my job at the time.
I was jaded, bitter and angry….a place that I didn’t want to be in. I dare not to be labeled as the chick with the angry black women’s syndrome. I can’t stand that phrase, by the way.
Let me tell you–I had a lot of inner work to do starting with affirming to myself that I am more than enough and that I don’t need to compare myself to the next queen or settle for less than I deserve.
“Don’t be ashamed of your past…it is your teacher and will provide the wisdom that you need for the next season. You can stay in the cycle or choose to get off…”
I realized that I can’t compare myself to another queen. I can’t hate her for something that is beyond my control. His desire to play games and to string me along was his problem, not mine. The only truth was that it was imperative that I leave the situation before it got disgustingly ugly. I knew I deserved more. I knew that my worth was greater than comparing myself or being someone’s optional plan. No, not I.
The truth is…
What is for you is for you. No man nor woman can steal what God has destined for your life. You are enough just the way you are and the only things that need to change is what ever is holding you back from being your best self. I’m so glad that I finally stepped into the truth of who I am.
If your “bae” doesn’t see your value and worth, let them go. All women are unique in their own right. Comparing yourself to the next is one of the most dangerous forms of self-sabotage. Once you realize who you really are and what you were made to do, flaws and all, it will all make sense. So, you can finally say so long to dead beat relationships with people who don’t value you. You deserve more.
Strive to be greater than your yesterday.
I pray that you begin to manifest a kind of self-love that won’t allow you to degrade where you are in life but will allow you to see your progress, growth, change and purpose for being here. I pray that supernatural blessings in the form of relationships/marriages manifest for you this year! Remember, you are more than enough.
- I am enough.
- I am a beautiful work in progress.
- I’m unapologetically favored!
You are enough!
1st BOOK COMING SOON!